


Pain Is...

by AceandShadow



Series: Inside the Guardian [4]
Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Gen, Hope, Hopeful Ending, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:06:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27960485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceandShadow/pseuds/AceandShadow
Summary: The kinds of things that Guardians have to go through, the pressure they feel everyday, it can leave them feeling raw. This Guardian explores that kind of pressure, day and night and notices one positive outcome
Series: Inside the Guardian [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1680844
Kudos: 2





	Pain Is...

Pain is…

Sleeping on a wet pillow at night because you cried yourself to sleep.

Pain is…

Not being sure of what to do with yourself when something goes wrong.

Pain is…

Sometimes pain is being a Guardian. Sometimes that’s all you need to remind you that, wherever you look, there is pain.

As a Guardian, our duty is to protect, be it the City, the citizens, the whole system or even just the members of our fireteams. Wherever we are, whatever we do, that is our first priority.

Zavala will tell us that we need to look out for ourselves as well, but we often forget that we are as important as one another.

In strikes, we are expected to watch out for one another. In raids, we are big groups that should easily be able to protect each other, and even in the Crucible – when we are supposed to be training for these eventualities – we are expected to have each other’s backs.

Now, in the Crucible, it is different. The Crucible is where we _learn_ to watch out for one another. But when it comes to the real thing, sometimes we are given but one chance. Sometimes, fate isn’t on our side and we could have done everything in our power to protect each other, but it needn’t be enough.

Pain is…

Being the last one standing when you’re in a team. _Survivor’s guilt_.

I’ve been on final death’s door far too many times to have lost someone on my watch. When we enter the Darkest zones, we can feel the pressure. We know that it’s now or never and we know that we have one shot.

Just occasionally, we can pull back and revisit the situation another time and it is a godsend when we can because it means we’re better prepared for the return.

It’s the times that we can’t are when we feel as though we are drowning. Sometimes we _are_.

Pain is…

Being unsuccessful. Sometimes that can imply a failed mission, perhaps. Sometimes it can be a target that got away. Most of the time, however, it’s failing to protect.

People forget that Guardians are still allowed to feel pain. We _do_. A lot. But we don’t have the luxury of moping about – we have a job to do.

We are undying, not invulnerable. We are deathless, not immortal. There is a difference.

Do you know the emotion we feel the most?

Pain.

All kinds of pain.

Do you know how many sleepless nights I’ve had thinking about pain? Physical, emotional, mental pain?

I mustn’t think too hard about it or it would be my very undoing. Then I would have to deal with the pain of allowing myself to fall apart, stopping me from doing my job…stopping me from preventing others from feeling the very emotion we feel day in, day out.

Pain is…

Not being able to live up to expectations.

The Vanguard has their sights set high for us all and not all of us can reach and not all the time, either. We can’t show it for one task always follows another, but we do hurt when we aren’t the stars in our mentors’ eyes. We just want that occasional reassurance that we’re doing okay.

That’s always the hardest pill to swallow – the pain of emotional burdens.

Pain is…

Knowing that once you’ve finished that daunting task, another awaits you on return.

I must admit that despite everything, that’s what keeps me going.

This job is so mentally engaging that I don’t have time to stop and worry so much about my losses, my fears or my failures. I must keep pushing and, for that, I am grateful.

I would have given up so long ago if I knew this would be where I’d have ended up. I’d have been wasted space if I could wallow in my own sorrows.

Pain is…

The burden you carry knowing you can outlive another, even if you don’t deserve it.

I keep fighting – I keep feeling the pain – because I know that, in the end, it’ll be worth it. No one else will have to feel the same pain and I can one day stop to mourn those that I have lost properly, to deal with my failures and take my time to face my fears so that I am better prepared for the next turn around.

Pain is sometimes being a Guardian.

Pain is part of the job description.

Pain is…

To keep pushing forward even when it hurts because there’s always an end to pain.

_Always._


End file.
